What Do You Get When You Mix 2 Quaaludes, 2 Cocktails and a Porn Star?

For whatever reason, it has been assumed that there was a revolving door on my life to allow for this endless stream of men that I apparently dated. That was so far from reality which was that I scared the crap out of most men, and  that I  rarely dated; if at all. That coupled with the fact that  I didn’t live in one place long enough to have a relationship with anyone, so I never made dating a priority. For me, dating led to commitment, and I had absolutely no desire to follow in my parents footsteps which consisted of graduating from high school, getting married and then getting a job in a factory until you died or retired, whichever came first. I wanted to live my life to it’s fullest and experience as much as possible before settling down. After High School, I went to Pittsburgh for a few months to a career school. Came home, got a job as a front desk clerk at a local hotel which was enough experience to get me a better job working as a telephone operator for Greyhound Bus Lines.

It was the 1980′s and Greyhound had opened a regional call center in Allentown, PA. I was lucky to be only 20 years old and have a job that paid 10 dollars an hour, with full benefits and of course unlimited free bus travel. The job was mindless and did not require much skill. A person calls, I answer. They tell me what city they want to go to, I give them a schedule. Next call.

For 5 years I answered calls for the Northeast corridor of the country from as far south as Richmond, Virginia and as far west as Cleveland, Ohio. After awhile I knew the bus schedules by heart. New York City to Boston left every hour on the hour, which was followed by another caller who wanted the same schedule. It could get pretty mundane. Anyway, not every phone call was the same old same old daily grind. I spoke to some really nice people and learned a lot about human nature. For instance, I got a call from a person  looking for a bus schedule to Philadelphia. He went on to tell me that he had just gotten out of the hospital after falling two stories from his apartment building.

Yes, of course, that was too good to let go…….and I believe that I said “you did what?”

The caller went on to tell me that he had locked himself out of his second floor apartment and thought that he could drop onto his balcony from his neighbors apartment that was located on the third floor. Apparently, he missed his target and fell two stories to the ground where he landed on his feet crushing the bones in both of his heels. Was there alcohol involved?…..of course.

Fast forward two years later……

I moved to Philadelphia to pursue a career as a model/actress. I was taking a scene study class with Bob Noble at one of the casting offices in center city when a guy walked in late to class and sat down next to me.

His name was Michael and the obvious flirting was a sign that he was definitely interested in me. He stood talking to me after class when he said “Do you mind if I sit down for a minute? I broke both of my heels in an accident a few years ago and I have a hard time standing for any length of time.” Of course, I don’t know when to shut up so I asked him what happened. He answered. “I fell two stories off of my apartment building, landed on my feet and crushed both of my heels.” Damn but that story sounded familiar to which I responded. “Did you take a Greyhound bus home by any chance?” His answer “as a matter of fact I did, how do you know that?” …..and I said “Because I am the operator that you spoke to on the phone”

Yes, I know, what are the odds?

Convinced that our meeting was fate, Michael begins to pursue me. Unfortunately, I wasn’t attracted to Michael at all, but he was a fellow actor, interesting to talk to and fun to hang out with.  Much to his disappointment it was nothing more than friends on my part; he just wasn’t my type, but we go out from time to time because I am sure that he was hoping that one night I would get drunk enough for him to make his move. Of course, it was the 80′s and that was always possible, but I would have had to be really drunk for this guy to get anywhere with me. Anyway, I had stopped at his apartment one night because we were going to see a band at a club that was just up the street. Michael starts to tell me about his early years as a struggling actor and that he had done a couple of adult films; yes porn, in order to pay the rent. He said, “It’s not what you think. Everything is scripted, in fact, I have one of the scripts here” He pulls one of the scripts off of his book shelf and hands it to me. It was filled with cheesy dialogue and the noted “cum shot on face” which was something that I presumed needed to happen on cue; which I assumed was part of the audition process. The casting director brings you in, you take off your clothes, they make a few notes, take a few pictures and ask “Can you cum on cue?” You say  “Yes” and they say ” OK, you are hired”

Making an adult film was certainly not anything that I was even curious about doing, but knowing that my friend Michael went by the porn name Mikey Delong left me with a mental picture that was accompanied with a caption that said “Really?”

It was a couple of weeks later when Michael asked me to have dinner with him at a very fancy restaurant called Lickety Split on  South Street.  It was one of those white table cloth, full place setting type of places, complete with the appropriate silverware for each of the five courses. There was a water glass, a white wine glass, a red wine glass; a charger, a base plate and a plate for bread that were perfectly set. Of course there was a dinner napkin folded in the shape of a swan perched on top of this elaborate display of China and crystal which I place in my lap as soon as I sat down.

I was running late, because I couldn’t find an outfit that worked, so by the time that I got to the restaurant Michael was already at the table and almost finished with his first drink. I was ordering my first drink while he was going on his second. While we were looking over the menu, Michael is tipping back in his chair which is becoming somewhat annoying. He explains that he is hyperactive and in fact he was a little nervous about having dinner with me so he took a couple of Quaaludes to take the edge off.  My brain said “Excuse me !!?…..You took what??! A c-o-u-p-l-e of Quaaludes?”  I didn’t really know what a Quaalude was other than it could seriously mellow you out….and this idiot took two? What? I guess to impress me? Anyway, Michael continues to tip back on his chair at which point the Quaaludes and the alcohol come together and instead of tipping forward bringing all four chair legs back to the floor, Michael’s chair continues to tip backward. As I am watching this scene unfold in slow motion in front of me, I see the tablecloth and the contents of the table being pulled along with him. Michael had somehow tucked the corner of the tablecloth into the front of his pants, thinking that it was his napkin and when he started to tip backwards, he took the fancy dinner service down with him at which point management starts to descend upon our table to say “I am sorry, but we are going to have to ask you to leave”

…………………………Oh, there is more.

Of course, Michael called continuously trying to apologize, but I refused to take his phone call.  We still had a few acting classes together, which were awkward, but I managed to get through them.  Michael promised to make it up to me, but I wasn’t interested. I had all but put the entire episode behind me when I got a call from a director who was interested in putting me in his next movie. He was given my name by an actor who told him that I would be perfect to star in his next movie. Of course, it was an adult movie starring Mikey Delong.  And gee, just when I thought that this guy couldn’t reach a new level of asshole; he did.

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Comments

  1. Nelson Riddle says:

    Stacey, Lickety Splits! It’s the perfect name for a restaurant to have dinner with a porn star. Although, the name made me think of girl on girl. Too funny. Keep writing. Nelson

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